GOING HOME WITHOUT THE BABY
With four of my five babies being born prematurely I learned many times what it was like to give birth and then have to leave the hospital and go home without the baby. Over the past few months I have been asked several times to give some words of advice and encouragement to friends and relatives who are stuck in the same situation so I thought I'd post them here:
First and foremost: CELEBRATE! No matter the situation, this is the birth of a baby. So often a prolonged hospital stay turns a celebratory birth into the negative feelings that surround being in the hospital. You watch new parents come in, have a baby, celebrate, entertain the swarm of family and guests, and then leave together. And you're still there. I have been lucky to have healthy babies albeit premature so I haven't had to deal with the death of a baby or a critically ill baby (thank God) but I have heard from parents in those situations who have taken the time to celebrate a birth even when the baby had died. They have held the baby, rocked the baby, dressed him or her, and taken pictures with family there and have been forever thankful for having taken the time to celebrate birth even while preparing and dealing with death.
If there are other children at home the real struggle is how to talk to them about what is going on and how to be at home and at the hospital. It is hard to know where to be. If the sibling is young they often aren't allowed to visit easily so it is tough to explain how there's a new baby now but they can't be with the baby, hold the baby, touch him or her, maybe even see the baby. Making the baby seem real to them is tough. We set up special times for each child to come in to visit (without the whole group). Had the staff help us teach them how to scrub their hands and dress correctly (good training even if the baby isn't in the hospital for long!). Helped the older sibling get comfortable in a chair with a pillow on their lap and then sat across from them while they carefully held the baby. With the fourth baby we also explained that she had tubes in her arm and a mask on her face and what that was for in language they could understand.
We struggled with who should stay at the hospital and who should go home to sleep (and eat and shower). We both wanted to be there with the baby all of the time. But it was important for us each to get some rest. I got on a schedule where I pumped breastmilk every few hours at home and got some sleep in between during the nights. My husband stayed at the hospital at night. During the day we traded places and I stayed with the baby during the day. We took time to be together for at least one meal a day - often in the hospital cafeteria. But it was important to be out of the room, together, so we could talk and catch up with each other.
Figure out what you need. Having a baby stay in the hospital also poses trouble for the rest of the family who don't know what to do. Figure out what you need and be ready to answer the question "how can I help?" Maybe having dinner made at home each day is what you need. Maybe being alone for a while is what you need - just promise to keep everyone up to date on what is going on. Find out what the limits are about visiting the baby and explain that to relatives or have the staff help explain that so you're not stuck explaining when someone has traveled a long way to see the baby and they aren't able to. Take pictures and promise to share them when you have the time to have them developed. Have a relative go get pictures developed for you.
This can be a scary time and one that is difficult to get through but it does pass. My first preemie - the 6 week premature boy on oxygen who stayed in the hospital for over a week - is now 6 feet tall and weighs 180 pounds and is healthy as a horse. I still have the tiny outfit he wore when he left the hospital and the name card that was taped to his isolette. I have the tiny, tiny blood pressure cuff and pictures of my fourth preemie with her eyes covered to protect her from the lights. These are all a part of their stories and memories I will never forget. And each day I celebrate...